Still a Child

In less then a month I will be turning twenty.  While some people might think that this isn't a very big year because you don't get any new rights, or benefits from it.  It is the year where nineteen because twenty and therefore ends the Teenage years.  I don't want to be twenty.  I don't want to be a grownup.  The reasons are very simple and almost embarrassing.  I am afraid, so very afraid of this age, and of growing up.  Because... I don't have my life put together or even really started.  I am in college but graduating scares me to death also, because then I will have to get a job, hopefully relating to my degree, or go on to graduate school.   I fear that after I graduate I will never have as much fun as I did in college, that all my friends will move away, and we will drift apart, unable to reconnect.

   I want to travel and I want to see the world but leaving my grandparents alone for a long time also scares me.  I have had nightmares about my papa dying, and the thought of it is enough to make me cry.   Plus part of me still believes in faeries, magic, in good always winning, and evil being vanquished.  I still want to believe that bad things don't happen to good people without just reasons, and fairness.  But I now better,  the truth is bad things do happen to good people for no other reason then just bad things happen, and life isn't fair.  I don't want to be jaded, I still want to believe in the magic in life, because it is magic, no matter if fairy magic exists or not.  I still want to be able to see the beauty in it,  that it seems that so many people just pass right by.  Maybe thats what I fear about becoming a grownup, all I know is that no matter if I am afraid of the coming birthday or not, it is coming this way.

 I am sure that it will bring its own magic, but I am still hesitant to give up this one.  Speaking of giving up,  I am not ready to give up this year.  It seemed to melt away way too quickly.  Its funny how when we are younger an hour seems like the longest time in the world, and a year is almost unfathomable.  Yet we we get older time seems to flit right past us.

This post turned out longer then I expected.  Happy Christmas Eve everyone!